Three Ways to Get to the 'Truth' in Your Relationship or Marriage

If you're in a relationship or marriage...

No matter what's going on in that relationship (good or bad)

You just want to be told the truth.

After all...

Everybody deserves to be told the truth, right?

If there's one thing we've heard over and over from our Breakthrough Relationship Coaching clients and others who write to us, it's this...

"I just want the truth. I want honesty. It's bad enough when they do things that are
inappropriate but...I get more upset when he
(or she) lies to me."

As we've been delving into why people tell lies and steps to be taken to find out the truth, we've discovered a few things...

1. Everybody's "truth" can be different for each of us.

Remember Bill Clinton's statement...

"I have never had sexual relations with
Monica Lewinsky."

In his mind, he did not categorize what Ms.
Lewinsky did to or with him as a sexual act--although most other people did!

Since we all have different value systems and
different ways of looking at the world, two people can have totally different understandings about what certain acts mean.

Does that excuse bad behavior?

Of course not.

It just means that the two people have to be
very clear about their values and what they each are agreeing to in that relationship.

2. Telling the "truth" completely depends on the person's ability to KNOW what his or her truth is.

Now there are certainly "yes" or "no" answers
that don't require any sort of looking inside
oneself such as this question...

"Did you work late on Tuesday night?"

But to get to the "truth," there are other questions that require some ability to go within--to honestly check one's thoughts and feelings, such as this...

"How do you feel about me and our relationship?"

Some people don't allow themselves to go that deeply into themselves to honestly answer a question like that--or they don't know how to get there.

3. Telling "the" truth depends on how safe it is to tell the truth.

A person can perceive that it's not "safe" to
share his or her truth because it wasn't done
in the family of origin, past relationships or
even in this relationship--

Either "bad" things happened if he or she told
what was genuinely wanted or was feeling

or

There was a reward for lying--saying or doing
what others wanted him or her to say and do.

There was more incentive (life was easier, more comfortable or less pain) when he or she said or did what someone else wanted rather than following what was true for him or her.

So if you're with a person who seems to hide
the truth, it is extremely frustrating and upsetting--no matter why your partner does it!

With all of this in mind, if you find that you are in a situation where you think you are being lied to--here are some ways you can get at the truth...

1. Search inside you to discover whether you
are prepared to handle the truth or not.

Sometimes you don't want the truth because
it may mean that your life will be completely
turned upside-down.

Susie remembers that it took her quite awhile to be able to face the "truth" of what was happening in her pervious marriage of 30 years--and actually agree to take steps to
deal with it.

So we know it isn't always easy to look at the
truth and then do something about it.

Asking yourself --and being honest with
yourself--if you are prepared to know the truth is a place to start.

2. Know what you will and will not stand for --and how you want to be treated.

This takes taking a good look inside you and recognizing that you do deserve respect and love--and what that means.

It means coming awake to what your situation is showing you--and taking a step toward what you want.

3. Open yourself to listening (without
interrupting and emotional outbursts) to your partner's truth--big and small.

As hard as it is to hear, the fact is that we
"train" the people in our lives how they will
treat us.

And whether to tell you the truth or not can
fall into this category.

Are we blaming you if you are with someone
who is lying to you?

Of course not.

As we said above--there are many reasons
why someone lies and they may have
nothing to do with you.

But what you can do is this...

Instead of reacting, just listen.

And start small.

In order to do this, you have to learn ways to calm yourself so that your emotions and
thoughts don't rule your actions.
If you practice it, it will help you to calm yourself down so you can listen to your partner.

Calming yourself down doesn't mean that you give up yourself and you don't have choice.

It just means that your mind isn't muddled and you can be authentic and honest in your response rather than reactive.

As we said--start small.

Look at when you might react negatively and how you might deal with a situation differently.


I invite you to take some healthy steps toward it