Is Someone Commitment-minded?

Even if a person seems to meet all your criteria and they appear to be someone you could take home to meet your family, you're still wasting your time if they're not ready for a commitment, whatever the reason is. Some people go around with a bumper sticker saying, "Happiness Is Being Single" -- and they really mean it. You need to know ASAP if someone is commitment-minded or determinedly single.

Apart from the bumper sticker crowd, commitment-mindedness is a tricky subject to broach. The amazing thing is that people are more likely to give a candid answer to a casual acquaintance than to someone they're starting to date. You just have to ask while you're still a casual acquaintance.

Here's how it works. You run into Studly Tom or Sexy Suzanne at the coffee machine and say, "Oh, hi. How was your commute this morning? Did you get around that jam-up on the Lakeside Interchange?" Then sip your coffee, smile, and say "You should see how all the girls/(guys) look at you. I bet you're really enjoying the single life..."

Their immediate response will be telling. A player will simply enjoy this idle flattery. Someone who'd like to be through with playing, on the other hand, may be flattered but will also look vaguely uncomfortable, as if the shoe doesn't quite fit, and may even tell you, "Actually, it gets a little old." Either way, you've got your answer. Of course, if they just glare at you and walk off, that's an answer, too -- they're not interested in you, and it doesn't matter how they feel about relationships.

Your first casual conversation is the best timing. If you delay, the opportunity for surprise and candor is irretrievably lost. Anytime after the other person has shown overt interest in you or vice versa -- even before your first date -- the subject of relationships suddenly becomes heavy. From then on, there's no way to make your question sound casual, and their responses will be at best guarded, and at worst calculated to be the "right" answer. Trust me. Try this my way.

But if you miss your chance in the first casual conversation, don't fail to ask about the person's goals and plans on your very first date. It may feel a little pushy, but do it. It's an appropriate, normal question. Their answer will hopefully be consistent with wanting a long-term relationship, such as, "I'm working on my MBA and saving for a house down payment." On the other hand, if they tell you they're saving up to sail their own boat around the world, or taking acting lessons and want to be a movie star, their dazzling smile should suddenly change in your eyes to a big, flashing red light.

Also, be sure to chat about mutual interests and background. What you're looking for is to learn whether someone's had long-term relationships in the past and whether or not they're close to their family -- both are indicators of someone's general inclination toward longterm commitments. It's easy. Just start with a little self-disclosure: "I don't get to see my family as much as I'd like -- didn't you say your folks live in Chicago? Do you get to see them much?" What they answer will give you some early clues about how they value family relationships.

The Checklist

Even if a new person passes the Commitment-Mindedness checks and you feel intensely attracted, keep your head. Never go out with someone blindly and assume they're perfect until events prove otherwise. Enjoy being with them, but keep gathering information. If you're headed toward a committed relationship with someone, you'll need to have answers to all of the following questions.

   1. Are they honest? When you're with them, notice whether or not they lie to other people. (If so, odds are they'll lie to you.)

   2. Are they responsible? Do they take good care of their plants, pets, and children if any?

   3. Do they show up when they say they will, or call if they're running late? Could you count on them to be there if you needed them?

   4. Do they have lots of old friends? What do the friends say about him or her?

   5. Are they on speaking terms with ex-lovers and/or ex-spouses?

   6. Are they on loving terms with their parents and siblings?

   7. Do they seem financially stable, or are they wildly extravagant, or always scrambling to pay their bills, or into gambling?

   8. Do they take good care of their health, or do they drink too much or need drugs all the time?

   9. Do they get along with your friends?

  10. Do they appreciate you? Do they express their feelings to you? Are they willing to spend a lot of time with you?

  11. Do you feel secure about them in the relationship, or do you worry a lot about them straying?

  12. Do you feel happy and safe when you're just hanging out together, or are there a lot of awkward moments, or have you ever felt physically threatened?

  13. Do they show clear signs of being capable of sharing?

  14. Would you consider spending the rest of your life with them?

  15. Are they okay just the way they are, or are you going to have to make a lot of "improvements"?


Tests

The idea of the checklist is to find these things out BEFORE you're madly in love, so that if the answers are turning up negative, you can get out without a broken heart.

So speed up the process by arranging little tests. Lend him or her a book and see if it's returned without you having to ask. Ask him/her to feed your goldfish or water your plants while you're away and see if everything's alive or dead when you get home. Make dates far into the future and don't call to remind him or her when the time comes. See if he or she remembers.

Call on them if you need help with something, and see if they volunteer to help or tell you they're busy or it's your problem. You can quickly find whether you can depend on them or not.

If their immediately-prior ex lives in the same city or area, you may get a chance to meet the person at a social or community event. Don't miss the opportunity, and don't be bashful. Introduce yourself and say something like, "Hi, I'm Norm NewGuy (or Norma Next), and I know you were together with Perfect Patty (or Tom Terrific) for quite a while. I'm starting to get pretty involved with her (him) and I wondered if you had any words of wisdom or warning for me..." They may not want to talk, or you may not believe much of what they tell you, but whatever happens, you'll learn something.

Pass on anyone you can't trust or about whom you hear horrible stories from more than one source. Don't waste time with someone with whom you wouldn't want to share a checkbook or a credit card. Forget about anyone who is abusive, cold, critical, uncommunicative or unkind. Just get out, quickly and efficiently. (See "Ending It.")

I don't want you to waste a year of your life dating someone and then find out that they're crazy or married or a flake or a drug addict or under indictment.


Dealing With A Mystery Man Or Woman

Let's be clear about something that should be common sense. Unless you're making a fool of yourself chasing someone who doesn't care about you, the feelings in your deepening relationship should be mutual. The person you're falling in love with should be "inviting you into their life," and should be totally forthcoming about themselves.

This means it should NOT be tricky or difficult to find the answers to the 15 Checklist questions in a normally-developing relationship. But what if the object of your affection seems loving and attentive and nice, but just won't tell you anything about themself and their past, or what they tell you floats in a vacuum -- no corroborating evidence anywhere. "Oh, my folks died years ago. No, no brothers or sisters. My ex? Oh, she's crazy. I never talk to her." And so on.

If you're in such a situation (and I've had many clients who were), you are not helpless. Stop plunging ahead blindly. Instead, plan a party to which you will each invite some of your oldest and closest friends. If he or she refuses to cooperate or claims he or she has no friends to invite, see "Your Last Recourse" below.

But let's assume he or she cooperates. Make sure the party's large enough so that it's sure to break up into several conversation groups. A barbecue, with people meandering in and out, is ideal. Make it a point to chat with a couple of his or her oldest friends, and ask about him or her. Assign a few of your closest friends do the same. Don't worry about being obvious; your interest in him or her will seem perfectly natural.

What you hear about your mystery person will either start to fill in their past and corroborate what little they've already told you, or it will conflict. If it doesn't jibe or his friends are vague and unspecific, it's time to go on red alert. Again, in this case, see "Your Last Recourse" below.


Your Last Recourse

If all your efforts to unveil your mystery person have come to nought, it's time to be deeply suspicious. At this point, self-preservation must displace romance. Put your plans on hold, take off your rose-colored glasses and recognize that you're down to 2 options: A. do some detective work online; and/or B. directly confront him or her.

If you choose option A, don't feel the slightest bit guilty about snooping. You were thinking of committing your life to this person; surely you deserve to know who he or she is. If he or she doesn't check out, you've saved yourself a world of misery and heartache; on the other hand, if he or she checks out okay, you still must find out why they weren't more forthcoming with you.

If you choose option B, you might want to confront him or her in the presence of a relationship counselor. Tell your partner you're uncomfortable, that you're in love with him or her but you don't want to get more involved with someone you know so little about. Offer to exchange information right then and there.

Someone with something to hide will rarely admit it. They are more likely to blow up, accuse you of "conducting an inquisition" or some similar remark designed to make you feel guilty and then stalk off. If they do, don't take them back.


The Final Checklist

By the time you become engaged to a someone, you should know at least the following hard facts about them:

   1. Full name and address
   2. Social security number
   3. Driver's license number
   4. Birthdate
   5. Place of birth
   6. College, if applicable
   7. Military service information, if applicable
   8. Pending lawsuits or contingent liabilities
   9. Credit problems or prior bankruptcies
  10. Convictions (excluding minor traffic violations)
  11. Blood type (for a medical emergency) and any major health problems (heart condition, post combat stress syndrome, HIV positive, etc.)
  12. Marital history

I'm always amazed at the number of people who get married without knowing many of these basic facts about their spouse. Many people, especially women, find some of these questions very awkward to ask, so blame them on me. Say I told you you couldn't get married without this information.

And remember, you're not demanding audited financial statements. Assuming your about-to-be-betrothed has demonstrated their honesty in little ways that you've noticed, and their friends speak highly of their integrity, you can simply take their word when they answer your questions.

The point is, if there's anything on the list you haven't already discussed, now's the time to ask. You're about to become life partners; if both of you aren't comfortable knowing everything about each other, you should definitely think twice.

Love-Building Strategies

No couple ever remains madly in love forever, through leaky toilets and overflowing drains, crying babies and demanding families, business problems and bank overdrafts. What happens when the newness of your love wears off? What enables your "In-Love" feeling to mature into true lasting love, capable of withstanding the ups and downs of a long- term relationship?

In great relationships, the newness is replaced by a deep bond, a web woven from shared experiences, pleasurable little habits, and private, personal "love triggers." In most relationships, these develop by chance, but by knowing what they are, you can nurture your relationship and assure its progress by making them happen.

Build Your Relationship's History

Every solid relationship has its own history of loving experiences, of the things you've done together that created lasting memories -- the times you've loved, and laughed, and shared new experiences together, even the times you've cried together. These are the memories that bond a couple.

You can create such a history. You don't have to wait for unusual things to just happen to you, which might take years. You are not at the mercy of fate. Don't wait for the memories to build; create them.

Instant History can be created by doing memorable or even exciting things together as a team. Take a trip. Learn a new sport together. Or use your imagination instead of spending money -- stage an especially erotic seduction for her, or a "mystery date" where nothing's really expensive, but everything's a surprise, or a "pot-luck" birthday dinner party for him with all of his or her friends.

Take advantage of opportunities to create Instant History. Help him or her to move. Rescue a stray dog or cat and find a home for it together.

When Sylvia, a twenty-eight-year-old department store buyer and amateur photographer, met Monty, her divorced, thirty- year-old fireman, I helped her determine that he was highly visual (see "Inner Languages"). She knew she had to take her time with Monty, but she was smart enough to document their entire relationship with snapshots, including some of her and his little boy together. As the relationship developed, she shared the snapshots with Monty. Soon the photos became a little scrapbook -- a visual Instant History.

Later, after Sylvia and Monty were married, he confessed to her that he "used to look at that damn scrapbook a dozen times a day" when they were apart.

"Our Song"

Notice how some couples play the same music over and over again. It's "their song," and they can stand listening to it so many times because for them, it's highly pleasurable; it's a private "love experience trigger." Through this addictive repetition, the song and the experience both become habitual parts of their lives.

Find a favorite singer who has a meaningful song that both of you like, one that always reminds you of how much you care for each other, and let it become "your song." Don't worry if this sounds corny or hokey; it works.

Other "Love Triggers"

In addition to "our song," any other mutually shared love trigger can strengthen a relationship's bond by becoming a pleasurable habit which neither of you can enjoy except with each other.

Some couples have a silly little saying that only has meaning for them, or pet jokes that really aren't funny to anyone else, or private names they call each other.

Many couples retain, from the new and exciting "In Love" phase of their relationship, an unusual or even kinky sex act that's a sure turn-on for both of them. This very private pleasure becomes habit-forming and adds to the bond between them.

Some couples say the magic words, "I love you," a lot more than others. This verbal repetition adds to their bond in subtle ways. Now that you know about "Inner Languages", you'll be able to say the magic words in your mate's particular Love Language. To a visual mate, you could say, "You can see how much I love you." To an auditory mate, you might say, "You can hear how much I love you. To a feelings mate, "You can feel how much I love you."

Relive Your Special Times Together

Every once in a while, just for fun, play the music you used to hear when you were first falling in love, go through your pictures, and watch the video you took of your last vacation together.

"Inner Languages"

If you haven't read "The Amazing Power of Mirroring" on this blog now's a good time, because "Inner Languages" are really just an advanced form of mirroring. With basic "Mirroring," you establish rapport with someone and give them a feeling that they can trust you. The next step is to learn their secret Inner Language so that you can communicate with them in "their language" and make them feel totally understood.

So often, in dating and romantic relationships, we simply don't "connect." Even husbands and wives, who know each other better than anyone, often fail to "connect" because they've never learned each other's Inner Language.

Here's how it happens. A husband, trying for a romantic anniversary dinner, reserves a sunset-view table at a fine restaurant, orders his wife's favorite wine, and proceeds to have a wonderful dinner, sure that he's done everything right. His wife, meanwhile, gets increasingly cranky and has a splitting headache by the time they get home.

What happened? Simple. His inner language is visual, and hers is auditory. The restaurant was busy and noisy and their table, despite its great view, was near the kitchen. He blissed out on the sunset, and like many of the diners around them, wasn't bothered by the background noise.

His wife saw that no other tables were available in the packed restaurant and tried to appreciate the view, but clattery kitchen noises dominated the whole dinner for her. She decided it was pointless and ungracious to complain, but kept thinking, "What the hell is wrong with him? How can he think this raucous place is romantic?"

This couple, until they came to me for counseling, never knew Inner Languages existed. Once they discovered that theirs were different, all sorts of frictions between them became understandable and easily manageable. She could appreciate his eye for beauty, he could appreciate her ear for music. From then on, it was easy for them to decide on a romantic place for dinner, and to agree on countless other things where they'd both previously sensed a baffling opposition from the other.

Overview of Inner Languages

First, the source. My concept of "Inner Languages" derives from an erudite specialty within pyschology known as "NeuroLinguistic Programming," or more commonly, "NLP." There are lots of different versions and interpretations of NLP; Tony Robbins, for example, uses a version very effectively in his motivational seminars. So to set the record straight: I don't claim that "Inner Languages" is a totally original invention of mine, nor do I claim that it's an interpretation of NLP which will satisfy NLP purists. Now that you've suffered through the disclaimer, if you want to know what works, read on.

We all perceive the world through sight, sound and feelings -- yet in the same setting, different people will notice different things. NLP helps explain why that is.

Some of us are more "tuned into" the world through what we see, others through what we hear, and others through what we feel or "sense" about a situation. The problem with these differences is they're invisible. So while we're all used to people being different in height or hair color, we're surprised when someone else has a totally different "take" on a situation than we do. Like the wife in the restaurant, we don't know how someone else can have such a different perception of what to us seems obvious.

The rest of this article will help you figure out whether you lean more toward being Visual, Auditory, or Feelings in your own Inner Language; and it will help you recognize the Inner Languages of others and how best to relate to them.

Just remember that you don't have to become an instant Inner Languages recognition expert. Your romantic relationship skills will jump immediately and dramatically if you simply:

   1. Expect these invisible Inner Language differences to crop up.

   2. When they do, try not to feel like your views are being attacked, but rather that your date or lover is adding a new and interesting "take" on the situation.

Here's a quick rundown on the three Inner Language types.

The Visual Person

Visual men and women are often "Type A" personalities, which comes in part from wanting to dash around and see as much as they can. Conscious of their looks, they're usually dressed appropriately for whatever they're doing, even if it's gardening.

They express themselves in visual terms. For example, when agreeing with you, they'll say, "I can see that." Watch closely when you ask them a question which requires some thought; before replying, their eyes will look up, as if they're visualizing the answer. Visual people are often slow in expressing their feelings.

Even if you're not visual, a visual person can be a good match for you, bringing beauty into your life in many ways, such as planning the route for your weekend trip so that it becomes a more scenic getaway. To relate better with a visual person, describe things to them in visual terms and say, "Can you picture that?" rather than "How does that sound to you?" or "How do you feel about that?"

The Auditory Person

Auditory men and women tend to be somewhat more relaxed. Like the wife in the above case history, they are unusually sensitive to sounds, from the balance on your stereo to a distant diesel truck on a quiet evening.

As you might guess, auditory people tend to be good communicators; they enjoy talking and can read your mood in the tone of your voice. Tuned to the sounds of words, they are often quite analytical, noticing inconsistencies and preferring things clearly stated rather than implied.

They express themselves in auditory terms, e.g., "That sounds good to me." Before replying to a question, their eyes will glance from right to left, like watching a tennis match, which means they're having a quick conversation with themselves about the answer.

An auditory person can be a good match for a non-auditory person, even if they don't immediately notice your new hairdo or that you've shaved your moustache. They're more interested in the "inner you" and how your mind works, and they'll listen avidly to you telling about how your day went.

Talking their language is as simple as saying, "I hear what you're saying," instead of "I can see that," or "I feel that way, too."

The Feelings Person

Feelings people are generally the most laid-back. They're relatively unconcerned about their appearance and love hugging, eating, and relaxing.

They express themselves in feelings terms, like, "I'm comfortable with that." Before responding to a question, their eyes will tend to look down, as if they're consulting their "gut feelings" on the subject.

A feelings person can be a good match for any other type. Although they tend to rank lowest on the neatness scale, they're sensitive to your moods, nurturing and empathetic. Give them lots of hugs and touching, and talk their language by saying, "I understand how you feel," rather than "I see what you mean," or "I hear you."

The Amazing Power of "Mirroring"

There's nothing worse than being with someone and knowing you're just not "connecting." The technique of "Mirroring" can solve that problem. It's so easy, though, and sounds so simplistic, that you'll never believe how effective it is until you understand the principle behind it.


The Principle Behind Mirroring

The principle is a fact of human nature: people tend to trust other people who are like them and mistrust people who seem different. That is why there is so much prejudice in the world. Ancient echoes, perhaps, of when our own tribe meant safety and a strange face meant danger.

Most of us try hard to rise above this tendency, but if you've just met someone you really like, should you force them to work hard at trusting you or should you make it easy for them? Trust is the most important basis for a good relationship. If you use mirroring, the person you're attracted to will feel instinctively that you can be trusted.

Actually, we employ mirroring in business almost without thinking about it: only a Kamikazi salesperson would walk into IBM wearing a brown suit; you just know you'll do better at "Big Blue" if you wear a blue suit. What you're doing is a simple form of mirroring. When you mirror the blue-suiters at IBM, their first instinct is to trust you.

The ancient instincts that cause us to trust or not trust start to relax if the stranger is dressed like the rest of the tribe, but these instincts aren't fully satisfied until they get a sense of the stranger's purpose (a friendly visit or a murderous raid).

In modern society, these instincts are still pretty good at sensing whether or not someone's "in sync" with you. If not, alarms go off and barriers go up at some deep subconcious level. If the person appears to be in sync, you sense a vague but important state of agreement with them, barriers fall, and you "connect."


How Mirroring Works

How do you make someone feel you're "in sync" with them? By mirroring not just what they're wearing, but also their body posture and rhythms. For example, say you're having coffee with someone and they're sitting forward, talking intensely about something. You can gain instant rapport if you mirror them by also sitting forward and listening intensely.

On the other hand, if you keep leaning back with one arm over the back of your chair, your "body language" signals that you disagree that this is an intense subject. Or that you're not really listening or you don't care. And their instinct, like some primal computer that can't be turned off, starts to beep, "Do not trust. Not a friend. Possible enemy." All because you feel relaxed, (or perhaps because it's your "style" to always look cool and relaxed).

And the truth of the situation? Ok, perhaps you really were feeling mellow and relaxed at the beginning of the conver- sation. But if this person's a true friend, and you're really listening, how could you not share their intensity? How could you not be drawn out of your relaxed state and lean forward, look at your friend seriously and nod your agreement and support?

While the blue suit at IBM example sounds pretty superficial at first, this last example hints at the true depth and validity of mirroring.


Why Mirroring Works

Have you ever noticed that couples who've been together happily for a long time tend to dress alike and even adopt the same body posture? They mirror each other without even thinking about it because they're totally in "in sync" and deeply in love. What's amazing is that the reverse happens just as often -- mirroring helps create true love. Here's why it works so well:

   1. You can't mirror someone if you're self-absorbed. You must pay attention to the other person and observe them carefully (an element missing in many people's courtship styles).

   2. If you mirror someone effectively, they can't help feeling "in sync" with you, and they will instinctively trust you -- the first, giant step toward love.

   3. While mirroring and getting "in sync" with someone may start off as calculated and can even be intended as manipulation, being "in sync" can't be faked for long; it soon becomes true.


Ways Of Mirroring

Like wearing a blue suit to IBM, if you're attracted to someone who wears jeans and you want them to trust you right off, wear jeans. On the other hand, if you know she's a dressy lady and you want her, don't show up in jeans. Dress to kill and she'll be pleased that you both have the same good taste; she'll feel comfortable and "in sync" with you before you even say "hello."

Now that you understand how and why mirroring works, you can apply it to all aspects of your interaction with someone. Mirroring's amazing power for creating rapport goes way beyond what you wear. Use body language to validate and agree with someone, by standing or sitting like they do.

Mirror them by talking in the same rhythm. If you detect that they have a particularly strong belief system and it's not philosophically objectionable to you, reflect some of those values in what you say to the person. You will create a subliminal but compelling state of agreement with them. Without really understanding why, they will get this strong feeling that you are someone who is attentive, really on their wavelength, and delightful to be with.

Of course, once you've "connected" with someone, mirroring doesn't mean you have to continue following them. Once you're both "in sync," you'll find yourself leading as often as you're following.

Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?

"I gave him everything and he still didn't love me," is a story I've heard over and over again from women. I know exactly what they mean. I've certainly felt that way myself.

"I would give her anything she wants, but it just doesn't seem to do any good. She takes my presents, thanks me, tells me I'm a nice guy, but she doesn't love me." It's a story I've heard over and over again from men. He gives, gives, gives. She takes, takes, takes. And the other guy gets the girl.

At first, doing too much seems natural and even somewhat pleasurable. After all, when you're in love aren't you supposed to do lots for your loved one, and enjoy it? Aren't you supposed to give your all?

No. Not until your relationship reaches a certain point. Before that point, you will suffocate love just as it's starting to bloom, instead of allowing it to blossom naturally.

Giving too much too soon is by far the biggest relationship mistake made by both men and women. I will explain why it suffocates love, how love blossoms naturally, how to know when you're giving too much and what to do about it, and when it's OK to give your all. But first, let's start with the different ways of over-giving:


Over-giving -- Let Me Count The Ways...

Too Much Love and Romance Too Soon

    By the second date you both say, "I love you." By the third date you're talking every night for hours. By the second week you're writing love notes to each other on a daily basis. So where do you go from there? Only down.

    Beth and Tony fell in love instantly. They were inseparable after one date. He bought flowers; she cooked dinners every night. He read love poems out loud to her. She always put love notes in his jacket pocket when he went to work.

    Then one time he forgot the flowers. Beth was crushed. Then she forgot the note. Tony felt unloved. Resentment intruded into perfect love, and their relationship never recovered.

Too Much Commitment Too Soon

    Volunteered, one-sided commitment signals desperation in a relationship. Men will do this, but more often, it's a woman who will take this step out of some mixed-up fear of losing a man if she doesn't, even though he's made no commitment whatsoever. She's ready to forsake all others without even being asked, just to prove her love, hoping this gesture will somehow bond him to her. It doesn't.

Gifts Too Soon

    When you bring the element of money into a relationship, you put pressure on someone. If you're a man, she may misread your intentions and think you see the relationship as transactional, gifts for sex. Or, rather than being bothered by the gifts, she may come to expect an ongoing flow of them from you and be very disappointed if they're not forthcoming.

    One man told me, "The minute a woman starts giving me valuable things, I feel pressured. She looks like a needy woman who's trying to buy love. When a woman gives me something expensive, it makes me feel as if an alien element has come into the relationship -- the element of dollar value as opposed to love and caring. I also feel forced to keep up in some way."

    Also, no man wants to live the rest of his life with a spendthrift. Giving him an expensive gift (even for his birthday or Christmas) will just make him worry about how you'll spend money if the two of you get married.

Too Much Information Too Soon

    One way both men and women often give too much is by telling too much about themselves right away. Who wants to know how your mother or father mistreated you on the first date? (Or on the third or fourth date, for that matter)


How Over-giving Suffocates Love

It's like over-watering a plant. You're not sure how much to water it, and your instincts tell you to nurture it, so you over-water it and kill it. Here's how over-giving can kill a budding relationship:

    * You'll come across as needy and desperate.

    * You probably won't get enough back, so you'll feel cheated.

    * You'll be ignoring your own life to help the object of your affection with theirs.

He or she will take you for granted and expect you to continue to do more and more for him.

The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won't just drop you. At least then you'd be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in "crazy love" relationship.


Self-test: Are You Doing Too Much For Love?

How do you know when you're giving too much too soon?

    You call them more than they call you.

    You make all the plans, pay most of the time, or buy all the presents.

    You are always doing something for them, and you feel cheated and angry because the giving is not reciprocated.

    You sense they're beginning to take you for granted.

    You feel desperate for their love and are worried about losing them.

Over-giving has already gotten to the "crazy love" stage if:

    Your only happiness seems to be making them happy.

    You pour yourself into helping them succeed, even to the point of ignoring your own life.

    They're beginning to pull away, and you keep doing more and more to get them to stay.

    Your friends say you've changed and they never see you any more.


First Aid For Overgivers

If you've just slipped and said, "I love you" too soon, or you're a guy who's given a gift too soon, or a woman who's blurted out, "When are you going to call again?" by mistake, the relationship can be re-balanced with a little mid-course correction.

Again, think of the over-watered plant. All you can do is hold off on watering and hope. If you've started to smother the relationship, all you can do is step back and let it breathe.

Don't call. If you can, take a trip and send him or her just ONE postcard. If you can't leave, just throw yourself into your work for a couple of weeks. It won't hurt.

Give the relationship some space, allow some time to go by, and -- above all -- act happy. (See the bottom of "When He/She's Left You -- Coping" in the "Letting Go" Section of the Library for the secret of acting happy when you're actually miserable from missing your lover.) And be sure to read "How Much To Give and When."

Why People Love

As you've probably found in your own life, being "in love" doesn't necessarily mean you've found true, long-lasting love. Ideally, falling in love leads to long-lasting love, but most often that doesn't happen. Let's look at what's involved with being "in love" first, and then I'll come back to "True Love" below.  Falling In Love  Recent studies on love have come up with a revealing insight into the "in love" feeling. The studies found that:      In order to be in love, a person has to have their love returned somewhat, but not altogether, while having reason to hope that their love will be returned totally at some time in the future.  This discovery explains some of the most ancient and perplexing riddles of romantic relationships, such as why "playing hard to get" works, why "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and why being in love is different than long- lasting love.  It explains why men and women who treat the opposite sex with indifference are so popular. Why the person you don't really care that much about is the one who's mad for you, and the one you're dying for is not.  If you're indifferent to someone, you give them little dribs and drabs of attention out of boredom or pity, right? Now we know that's precisely the formula for keeping someone in love with you. Of course, acting indifferent is easy when you don't care. The hard part is acting indifferent when you do care a lot.  The new research findings help explain another key element of the "in love" feeling. We've known for a long time that fantasy is one of the most important ingredients of love. A person in love has what pyschologists call "aggrandizing" fantasies about the one they love.  Ask anyone who's in love to tell you about their beloved, and you'll hear about someone too wonderful to be true. You smile, reminded of the old expression, "love is blind." The old expression is true because everyone in love has a fantasized image of the person they love.  Lovers since love began have been portrayed as pining away somewhere plucking the petals from flowers and daydreaming about their love object. That classic portrayal meshes perfectly with the new research findings: if you want to be the love object, you have to give your lover time to think about you, to fantasize about you -- without you being there. If you're in their face constantly, they have no opportunity to develop an "aggrandized" image of you.  Some of my best relationships with desirable, sought-after men bloomed when I had to go away for a while or the man had to go somewhere soon after we met. The reason, of course, was that the separation gave us time to fantasize about each other.  Two months after I started dating my husband regularly, I went to Romania as a guest of the Romanian government to research youth treatments. He was left to worry about what I was doing gallivanting behind the Iron Curtain. Actually, my trip was sexless, but he imagined me cavorting with some Romanian Lothario the whole time I was gone.  He had plenty of time to miss me and fantasize about me. He even got a chance to overdose on other ladies. Since I wasn't around, I always came out more favorably than the competition. He had only the fantasy me to compare with the real them. Being unavailable actually helped make me seem more interesting and desirable.  Separation almost always makes the heart grow fonder, and this works later on in your relationship as well as in the beginning. Always plan some time apart. It's good to give your loved one a chance to miss you once in awhile.  If you've read "Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?" and wondered why I made such a big point of not over-giving, perhaps some lightbulbs will be coming on right about now. I'll say it again: Giving Too Much Too Soon is the biggest mistake made by both men and women in the early stages of their relationships. And learning to pace your giving -- your availability, the "I love you's," the gifts -- is the hardest thing to learn.  Perhaps now, though, knowing why indifference works and "absence makes the heart grow fonder," you'll be more motivated to follow my advice about not giving too much too soon. If you're at the beginning of a relationship and haven't read the "Giving" articles, please do so; and in the meantime, promise me that:      You won't call him or her on the phone every single night just to chat. Skip a night or two. Call intermittently.      Don't send her every cute card you find.      Don't bake his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies for him on every visit.  Keep reminding yourself of the old adage, "Play hard to get." Only instead of playing hard to get, be hard to get!  The next time he asks you out, tell him you'd love to see him but you already have plans. If you've been asking her out three nights a week, cut it back to just one night for a week or so. That's exactly what you'd be doing if you were popular and busy. And that's just what he or she wants -- not someone easy to get that no one else wants.  Or, if someone is acting indifferent toward you, curb your natural inclination to try harder to please them. You know now that the way to make them stop acting indifferent is to act even more indifferent than they are.  If making someone fall in love with you isn't enough reason to "play hard to get," there are other reasons you shouldn't fall in love too quickly. One is because you need time to get to know someone before you fall in love. Falling in lust is understandable, but don't let your love be so blind that you ignore the checklists in "Qualifying Someone". Another reason to pace yourself is to let a little true love develop along with the lust and the "in love" feelings.  True Love  True, long-lasting love is built on trust, communication, and shared experiences. People who are deeply in love seem to somehow identify with the inner core of their mate -- they're "on the same wavelength." Even if it's been 50 years since they had the first "in love" feelings, they still look and act in tune. They sit alike, talk alike, finish each other's sentences.  It's like they're linked with a special, deep form of communication. If you've ever been deeply and mutually in love with someone, you've probably experienced this. It's a magical feeling, and it's wonderful when it happens as if by magic. But you don't have to wait passively, hoping that the magic happens. If you have someone who meets your Criteria and passes the checklists in "Qualifying Someone", you can do more than you might think to create this magic in your relationship.  Read "The Amazing Power of Mirroring", where you'll find the secrets of creating rapport with someone and building their trust in you. Then go on to "Inner Languages", where you'll find how you can deepen your relationship with him or her and start to develop the special, deep form of communication that's the basis of True Love. And don't miss "Love-Building Strategies", which describes techniques for strengthening the bond of your relationship.  You can search this blog for other great advice.

How to Spot a Liar

Keeping the following points in mind when you're talking to someone who you think might be stretching the truth.

1) Too much or too little eye contact. Liars tend to avoid looking people in the eye, but if they are staring you down, they may be working hard at lying.

2) Over-emphasizes details. When people are trying to avoid telling the truth, they often pick some obscure point and talk about it a lot instead of focusing on the key issue.

3) Fidgeting. Is the person you're talking to very fidgety? You often see kids do this when they're telling a tale. That's a sign that someone may be lying.

4) Touching nose. Research shows that when people lie, they tend to touch the base of their nose a lot. "That's a dead giveaway," 

5) Mouth pursed. When people tell a lie, they can't get enough oxygen, so they tend to breathe through their mouth instead of through their nose.

6) Speech hesitations. Pausing, throat clearing, or other stalling techniques may indicate that a person is embellishing the truth.

7) Looking up or down. They may be stalling for time.

8) Answers questions not asked. Without even asking them a question, liars will defend themselves.

9) Other body language to check for to spot a potential liar include: excessive blinking, dilated pupils, pitch changes, less smiling, and shrugging shoulders.