Is Someone Commitment-minded?

Even if a person seems to meet all your criteria and they appear to be someone you could take home to meet your family, you're still wasting your time if they're not ready for a commitment, whatever the reason is. Some people go around with a bumper sticker saying, "Happiness Is Being Single" -- and they really mean it. You need to know ASAP if someone is commitment-minded or determinedly single.

Apart from the bumper sticker crowd, commitment-mindedness is a tricky subject to broach. The amazing thing is that people are more likely to give a candid answer to a casual acquaintance than to someone they're starting to date. You just have to ask while you're still a casual acquaintance.

Here's how it works. You run into Studly Tom or Sexy Suzanne at the coffee machine and say, "Oh, hi. How was your commute this morning? Did you get around that jam-up on the Lakeside Interchange?" Then sip your coffee, smile, and say "You should see how all the girls/(guys) look at you. I bet you're really enjoying the single life..."

Their immediate response will be telling. A player will simply enjoy this idle flattery. Someone who'd like to be through with playing, on the other hand, may be flattered but will also look vaguely uncomfortable, as if the shoe doesn't quite fit, and may even tell you, "Actually, it gets a little old." Either way, you've got your answer. Of course, if they just glare at you and walk off, that's an answer, too -- they're not interested in you, and it doesn't matter how they feel about relationships.

Your first casual conversation is the best timing. If you delay, the opportunity for surprise and candor is irretrievably lost. Anytime after the other person has shown overt interest in you or vice versa -- even before your first date -- the subject of relationships suddenly becomes heavy. From then on, there's no way to make your question sound casual, and their responses will be at best guarded, and at worst calculated to be the "right" answer. Trust me. Try this my way.

But if you miss your chance in the first casual conversation, don't fail to ask about the person's goals and plans on your very first date. It may feel a little pushy, but do it. It's an appropriate, normal question. Their answer will hopefully be consistent with wanting a long-term relationship, such as, "I'm working on my MBA and saving for a house down payment." On the other hand, if they tell you they're saving up to sail their own boat around the world, or taking acting lessons and want to be a movie star, their dazzling smile should suddenly change in your eyes to a big, flashing red light.

Also, be sure to chat about mutual interests and background. What you're looking for is to learn whether someone's had long-term relationships in the past and whether or not they're close to their family -- both are indicators of someone's general inclination toward longterm commitments. It's easy. Just start with a little self-disclosure: "I don't get to see my family as much as I'd like -- didn't you say your folks live in Chicago? Do you get to see them much?" What they answer will give you some early clues about how they value family relationships.

The Checklist

Even if a new person passes the Commitment-Mindedness checks and you feel intensely attracted, keep your head. Never go out with someone blindly and assume they're perfect until events prove otherwise. Enjoy being with them, but keep gathering information. If you're headed toward a committed relationship with someone, you'll need to have answers to all of the following questions.

   1. Are they honest? When you're with them, notice whether or not they lie to other people. (If so, odds are they'll lie to you.)

   2. Are they responsible? Do they take good care of their plants, pets, and children if any?

   3. Do they show up when they say they will, or call if they're running late? Could you count on them to be there if you needed them?

   4. Do they have lots of old friends? What do the friends say about him or her?

   5. Are they on speaking terms with ex-lovers and/or ex-spouses?

   6. Are they on loving terms with their parents and siblings?

   7. Do they seem financially stable, or are they wildly extravagant, or always scrambling to pay their bills, or into gambling?

   8. Do they take good care of their health, or do they drink too much or need drugs all the time?

   9. Do they get along with your friends?

  10. Do they appreciate you? Do they express their feelings to you? Are they willing to spend a lot of time with you?

  11. Do you feel secure about them in the relationship, or do you worry a lot about them straying?

  12. Do you feel happy and safe when you're just hanging out together, or are there a lot of awkward moments, or have you ever felt physically threatened?

  13. Do they show clear signs of being capable of sharing?

  14. Would you consider spending the rest of your life with them?

  15. Are they okay just the way they are, or are you going to have to make a lot of "improvements"?


Tests

The idea of the checklist is to find these things out BEFORE you're madly in love, so that if the answers are turning up negative, you can get out without a broken heart.

So speed up the process by arranging little tests. Lend him or her a book and see if it's returned without you having to ask. Ask him/her to feed your goldfish or water your plants while you're away and see if everything's alive or dead when you get home. Make dates far into the future and don't call to remind him or her when the time comes. See if he or she remembers.

Call on them if you need help with something, and see if they volunteer to help or tell you they're busy or it's your problem. You can quickly find whether you can depend on them or not.

If their immediately-prior ex lives in the same city or area, you may get a chance to meet the person at a social or community event. Don't miss the opportunity, and don't be bashful. Introduce yourself and say something like, "Hi, I'm Norm NewGuy (or Norma Next), and I know you were together with Perfect Patty (or Tom Terrific) for quite a while. I'm starting to get pretty involved with her (him) and I wondered if you had any words of wisdom or warning for me..." They may not want to talk, or you may not believe much of what they tell you, but whatever happens, you'll learn something.

Pass on anyone you can't trust or about whom you hear horrible stories from more than one source. Don't waste time with someone with whom you wouldn't want to share a checkbook or a credit card. Forget about anyone who is abusive, cold, critical, uncommunicative or unkind. Just get out, quickly and efficiently. (See "Ending It.")

I don't want you to waste a year of your life dating someone and then find out that they're crazy or married or a flake or a drug addict or under indictment.


Dealing With A Mystery Man Or Woman

Let's be clear about something that should be common sense. Unless you're making a fool of yourself chasing someone who doesn't care about you, the feelings in your deepening relationship should be mutual. The person you're falling in love with should be "inviting you into their life," and should be totally forthcoming about themselves.

This means it should NOT be tricky or difficult to find the answers to the 15 Checklist questions in a normally-developing relationship. But what if the object of your affection seems loving and attentive and nice, but just won't tell you anything about themself and their past, or what they tell you floats in a vacuum -- no corroborating evidence anywhere. "Oh, my folks died years ago. No, no brothers or sisters. My ex? Oh, she's crazy. I never talk to her." And so on.

If you're in such a situation (and I've had many clients who were), you are not helpless. Stop plunging ahead blindly. Instead, plan a party to which you will each invite some of your oldest and closest friends. If he or she refuses to cooperate or claims he or she has no friends to invite, see "Your Last Recourse" below.

But let's assume he or she cooperates. Make sure the party's large enough so that it's sure to break up into several conversation groups. A barbecue, with people meandering in and out, is ideal. Make it a point to chat with a couple of his or her oldest friends, and ask about him or her. Assign a few of your closest friends do the same. Don't worry about being obvious; your interest in him or her will seem perfectly natural.

What you hear about your mystery person will either start to fill in their past and corroborate what little they've already told you, or it will conflict. If it doesn't jibe or his friends are vague and unspecific, it's time to go on red alert. Again, in this case, see "Your Last Recourse" below.


Your Last Recourse

If all your efforts to unveil your mystery person have come to nought, it's time to be deeply suspicious. At this point, self-preservation must displace romance. Put your plans on hold, take off your rose-colored glasses and recognize that you're down to 2 options: A. do some detective work online; and/or B. directly confront him or her.

If you choose option A, don't feel the slightest bit guilty about snooping. You were thinking of committing your life to this person; surely you deserve to know who he or she is. If he or she doesn't check out, you've saved yourself a world of misery and heartache; on the other hand, if he or she checks out okay, you still must find out why they weren't more forthcoming with you.

If you choose option B, you might want to confront him or her in the presence of a relationship counselor. Tell your partner you're uncomfortable, that you're in love with him or her but you don't want to get more involved with someone you know so little about. Offer to exchange information right then and there.

Someone with something to hide will rarely admit it. They are more likely to blow up, accuse you of "conducting an inquisition" or some similar remark designed to make you feel guilty and then stalk off. If they do, don't take them back.


The Final Checklist

By the time you become engaged to a someone, you should know at least the following hard facts about them:

   1. Full name and address
   2. Social security number
   3. Driver's license number
   4. Birthdate
   5. Place of birth
   6. College, if applicable
   7. Military service information, if applicable
   8. Pending lawsuits or contingent liabilities
   9. Credit problems or prior bankruptcies
  10. Convictions (excluding minor traffic violations)
  11. Blood type (for a medical emergency) and any major health problems (heart condition, post combat stress syndrome, HIV positive, etc.)
  12. Marital history

I'm always amazed at the number of people who get married without knowing many of these basic facts about their spouse. Many people, especially women, find some of these questions very awkward to ask, so blame them on me. Say I told you you couldn't get married without this information.

And remember, you're not demanding audited financial statements. Assuming your about-to-be-betrothed has demonstrated their honesty in little ways that you've noticed, and their friends speak highly of their integrity, you can simply take their word when they answer your questions.

The point is, if there's anything on the list you haven't already discussed, now's the time to ask. You're about to become life partners; if both of you aren't comfortable knowing everything about each other, you should definitely think twice.

Love-Building Strategies

No couple ever remains madly in love forever, through leaky toilets and overflowing drains, crying babies and demanding families, business problems and bank overdrafts. What happens when the newness of your love wears off? What enables your "In-Love" feeling to mature into true lasting love, capable of withstanding the ups and downs of a long- term relationship?

In great relationships, the newness is replaced by a deep bond, a web woven from shared experiences, pleasurable little habits, and private, personal "love triggers." In most relationships, these develop by chance, but by knowing what they are, you can nurture your relationship and assure its progress by making them happen.

Build Your Relationship's History

Every solid relationship has its own history of loving experiences, of the things you've done together that created lasting memories -- the times you've loved, and laughed, and shared new experiences together, even the times you've cried together. These are the memories that bond a couple.

You can create such a history. You don't have to wait for unusual things to just happen to you, which might take years. You are not at the mercy of fate. Don't wait for the memories to build; create them.

Instant History can be created by doing memorable or even exciting things together as a team. Take a trip. Learn a new sport together. Or use your imagination instead of spending money -- stage an especially erotic seduction for her, or a "mystery date" where nothing's really expensive, but everything's a surprise, or a "pot-luck" birthday dinner party for him with all of his or her friends.

Take advantage of opportunities to create Instant History. Help him or her to move. Rescue a stray dog or cat and find a home for it together.

When Sylvia, a twenty-eight-year-old department store buyer and amateur photographer, met Monty, her divorced, thirty- year-old fireman, I helped her determine that he was highly visual (see "Inner Languages"). She knew she had to take her time with Monty, but she was smart enough to document their entire relationship with snapshots, including some of her and his little boy together. As the relationship developed, she shared the snapshots with Monty. Soon the photos became a little scrapbook -- a visual Instant History.

Later, after Sylvia and Monty were married, he confessed to her that he "used to look at that damn scrapbook a dozen times a day" when they were apart.

"Our Song"

Notice how some couples play the same music over and over again. It's "their song," and they can stand listening to it so many times because for them, it's highly pleasurable; it's a private "love experience trigger." Through this addictive repetition, the song and the experience both become habitual parts of their lives.

Find a favorite singer who has a meaningful song that both of you like, one that always reminds you of how much you care for each other, and let it become "your song." Don't worry if this sounds corny or hokey; it works.

Other "Love Triggers"

In addition to "our song," any other mutually shared love trigger can strengthen a relationship's bond by becoming a pleasurable habit which neither of you can enjoy except with each other.

Some couples have a silly little saying that only has meaning for them, or pet jokes that really aren't funny to anyone else, or private names they call each other.

Many couples retain, from the new and exciting "In Love" phase of their relationship, an unusual or even kinky sex act that's a sure turn-on for both of them. This very private pleasure becomes habit-forming and adds to the bond between them.

Some couples say the magic words, "I love you," a lot more than others. This verbal repetition adds to their bond in subtle ways. Now that you know about "Inner Languages", you'll be able to say the magic words in your mate's particular Love Language. To a visual mate, you could say, "You can see how much I love you." To an auditory mate, you might say, "You can hear how much I love you. To a feelings mate, "You can feel how much I love you."

Relive Your Special Times Together

Every once in a while, just for fun, play the music you used to hear when you were first falling in love, go through your pictures, and watch the video you took of your last vacation together.

"Inner Languages"

If you haven't read "The Amazing Power of Mirroring" on this blog now's a good time, because "Inner Languages" are really just an advanced form of mirroring. With basic "Mirroring," you establish rapport with someone and give them a feeling that they can trust you. The next step is to learn their secret Inner Language so that you can communicate with them in "their language" and make them feel totally understood.

So often, in dating and romantic relationships, we simply don't "connect." Even husbands and wives, who know each other better than anyone, often fail to "connect" because they've never learned each other's Inner Language.

Here's how it happens. A husband, trying for a romantic anniversary dinner, reserves a sunset-view table at a fine restaurant, orders his wife's favorite wine, and proceeds to have a wonderful dinner, sure that he's done everything right. His wife, meanwhile, gets increasingly cranky and has a splitting headache by the time they get home.

What happened? Simple. His inner language is visual, and hers is auditory. The restaurant was busy and noisy and their table, despite its great view, was near the kitchen. He blissed out on the sunset, and like many of the diners around them, wasn't bothered by the background noise.

His wife saw that no other tables were available in the packed restaurant and tried to appreciate the view, but clattery kitchen noises dominated the whole dinner for her. She decided it was pointless and ungracious to complain, but kept thinking, "What the hell is wrong with him? How can he think this raucous place is romantic?"

This couple, until they came to me for counseling, never knew Inner Languages existed. Once they discovered that theirs were different, all sorts of frictions between them became understandable and easily manageable. She could appreciate his eye for beauty, he could appreciate her ear for music. From then on, it was easy for them to decide on a romantic place for dinner, and to agree on countless other things where they'd both previously sensed a baffling opposition from the other.

Overview of Inner Languages

First, the source. My concept of "Inner Languages" derives from an erudite specialty within pyschology known as "NeuroLinguistic Programming," or more commonly, "NLP." There are lots of different versions and interpretations of NLP; Tony Robbins, for example, uses a version very effectively in his motivational seminars. So to set the record straight: I don't claim that "Inner Languages" is a totally original invention of mine, nor do I claim that it's an interpretation of NLP which will satisfy NLP purists. Now that you've suffered through the disclaimer, if you want to know what works, read on.

We all perceive the world through sight, sound and feelings -- yet in the same setting, different people will notice different things. NLP helps explain why that is.

Some of us are more "tuned into" the world through what we see, others through what we hear, and others through what we feel or "sense" about a situation. The problem with these differences is they're invisible. So while we're all used to people being different in height or hair color, we're surprised when someone else has a totally different "take" on a situation than we do. Like the wife in the restaurant, we don't know how someone else can have such a different perception of what to us seems obvious.

The rest of this article will help you figure out whether you lean more toward being Visual, Auditory, or Feelings in your own Inner Language; and it will help you recognize the Inner Languages of others and how best to relate to them.

Just remember that you don't have to become an instant Inner Languages recognition expert. Your romantic relationship skills will jump immediately and dramatically if you simply:

   1. Expect these invisible Inner Language differences to crop up.

   2. When they do, try not to feel like your views are being attacked, but rather that your date or lover is adding a new and interesting "take" on the situation.

Here's a quick rundown on the three Inner Language types.

The Visual Person

Visual men and women are often "Type A" personalities, which comes in part from wanting to dash around and see as much as they can. Conscious of their looks, they're usually dressed appropriately for whatever they're doing, even if it's gardening.

They express themselves in visual terms. For example, when agreeing with you, they'll say, "I can see that." Watch closely when you ask them a question which requires some thought; before replying, their eyes will look up, as if they're visualizing the answer. Visual people are often slow in expressing their feelings.

Even if you're not visual, a visual person can be a good match for you, bringing beauty into your life in many ways, such as planning the route for your weekend trip so that it becomes a more scenic getaway. To relate better with a visual person, describe things to them in visual terms and say, "Can you picture that?" rather than "How does that sound to you?" or "How do you feel about that?"

The Auditory Person

Auditory men and women tend to be somewhat more relaxed. Like the wife in the above case history, they are unusually sensitive to sounds, from the balance on your stereo to a distant diesel truck on a quiet evening.

As you might guess, auditory people tend to be good communicators; they enjoy talking and can read your mood in the tone of your voice. Tuned to the sounds of words, they are often quite analytical, noticing inconsistencies and preferring things clearly stated rather than implied.

They express themselves in auditory terms, e.g., "That sounds good to me." Before replying to a question, their eyes will glance from right to left, like watching a tennis match, which means they're having a quick conversation with themselves about the answer.

An auditory person can be a good match for a non-auditory person, even if they don't immediately notice your new hairdo or that you've shaved your moustache. They're more interested in the "inner you" and how your mind works, and they'll listen avidly to you telling about how your day went.

Talking their language is as simple as saying, "I hear what you're saying," instead of "I can see that," or "I feel that way, too."

The Feelings Person

Feelings people are generally the most laid-back. They're relatively unconcerned about their appearance and love hugging, eating, and relaxing.

They express themselves in feelings terms, like, "I'm comfortable with that." Before responding to a question, their eyes will tend to look down, as if they're consulting their "gut feelings" on the subject.

A feelings person can be a good match for any other type. Although they tend to rank lowest on the neatness scale, they're sensitive to your moods, nurturing and empathetic. Give them lots of hugs and touching, and talk their language by saying, "I understand how you feel," rather than "I see what you mean," or "I hear you."

The Amazing Power of "Mirroring"

There's nothing worse than being with someone and knowing you're just not "connecting." The technique of "Mirroring" can solve that problem. It's so easy, though, and sounds so simplistic, that you'll never believe how effective it is until you understand the principle behind it.


The Principle Behind Mirroring

The principle is a fact of human nature: people tend to trust other people who are like them and mistrust people who seem different. That is why there is so much prejudice in the world. Ancient echoes, perhaps, of when our own tribe meant safety and a strange face meant danger.

Most of us try hard to rise above this tendency, but if you've just met someone you really like, should you force them to work hard at trusting you or should you make it easy for them? Trust is the most important basis for a good relationship. If you use mirroring, the person you're attracted to will feel instinctively that you can be trusted.

Actually, we employ mirroring in business almost without thinking about it: only a Kamikazi salesperson would walk into IBM wearing a brown suit; you just know you'll do better at "Big Blue" if you wear a blue suit. What you're doing is a simple form of mirroring. When you mirror the blue-suiters at IBM, their first instinct is to trust you.

The ancient instincts that cause us to trust or not trust start to relax if the stranger is dressed like the rest of the tribe, but these instincts aren't fully satisfied until they get a sense of the stranger's purpose (a friendly visit or a murderous raid).

In modern society, these instincts are still pretty good at sensing whether or not someone's "in sync" with you. If not, alarms go off and barriers go up at some deep subconcious level. If the person appears to be in sync, you sense a vague but important state of agreement with them, barriers fall, and you "connect."


How Mirroring Works

How do you make someone feel you're "in sync" with them? By mirroring not just what they're wearing, but also their body posture and rhythms. For example, say you're having coffee with someone and they're sitting forward, talking intensely about something. You can gain instant rapport if you mirror them by also sitting forward and listening intensely.

On the other hand, if you keep leaning back with one arm over the back of your chair, your "body language" signals that you disagree that this is an intense subject. Or that you're not really listening or you don't care. And their instinct, like some primal computer that can't be turned off, starts to beep, "Do not trust. Not a friend. Possible enemy." All because you feel relaxed, (or perhaps because it's your "style" to always look cool and relaxed).

And the truth of the situation? Ok, perhaps you really were feeling mellow and relaxed at the beginning of the conver- sation. But if this person's a true friend, and you're really listening, how could you not share their intensity? How could you not be drawn out of your relaxed state and lean forward, look at your friend seriously and nod your agreement and support?

While the blue suit at IBM example sounds pretty superficial at first, this last example hints at the true depth and validity of mirroring.


Why Mirroring Works

Have you ever noticed that couples who've been together happily for a long time tend to dress alike and even adopt the same body posture? They mirror each other without even thinking about it because they're totally in "in sync" and deeply in love. What's amazing is that the reverse happens just as often -- mirroring helps create true love. Here's why it works so well:

   1. You can't mirror someone if you're self-absorbed. You must pay attention to the other person and observe them carefully (an element missing in many people's courtship styles).

   2. If you mirror someone effectively, they can't help feeling "in sync" with you, and they will instinctively trust you -- the first, giant step toward love.

   3. While mirroring and getting "in sync" with someone may start off as calculated and can even be intended as manipulation, being "in sync" can't be faked for long; it soon becomes true.


Ways Of Mirroring

Like wearing a blue suit to IBM, if you're attracted to someone who wears jeans and you want them to trust you right off, wear jeans. On the other hand, if you know she's a dressy lady and you want her, don't show up in jeans. Dress to kill and she'll be pleased that you both have the same good taste; she'll feel comfortable and "in sync" with you before you even say "hello."

Now that you understand how and why mirroring works, you can apply it to all aspects of your interaction with someone. Mirroring's amazing power for creating rapport goes way beyond what you wear. Use body language to validate and agree with someone, by standing or sitting like they do.

Mirror them by talking in the same rhythm. If you detect that they have a particularly strong belief system and it's not philosophically objectionable to you, reflect some of those values in what you say to the person. You will create a subliminal but compelling state of agreement with them. Without really understanding why, they will get this strong feeling that you are someone who is attentive, really on their wavelength, and delightful to be with.

Of course, once you've "connected" with someone, mirroring doesn't mean you have to continue following them. Once you're both "in sync," you'll find yourself leading as often as you're following.

Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?

"I gave him everything and he still didn't love me," is a story I've heard over and over again from women. I know exactly what they mean. I've certainly felt that way myself.

"I would give her anything she wants, but it just doesn't seem to do any good. She takes my presents, thanks me, tells me I'm a nice guy, but she doesn't love me." It's a story I've heard over and over again from men. He gives, gives, gives. She takes, takes, takes. And the other guy gets the girl.

At first, doing too much seems natural and even somewhat pleasurable. After all, when you're in love aren't you supposed to do lots for your loved one, and enjoy it? Aren't you supposed to give your all?

No. Not until your relationship reaches a certain point. Before that point, you will suffocate love just as it's starting to bloom, instead of allowing it to blossom naturally.

Giving too much too soon is by far the biggest relationship mistake made by both men and women. I will explain why it suffocates love, how love blossoms naturally, how to know when you're giving too much and what to do about it, and when it's OK to give your all. But first, let's start with the different ways of over-giving:


Over-giving -- Let Me Count The Ways...

Too Much Love and Romance Too Soon

    By the second date you both say, "I love you." By the third date you're talking every night for hours. By the second week you're writing love notes to each other on a daily basis. So where do you go from there? Only down.

    Beth and Tony fell in love instantly. They were inseparable after one date. He bought flowers; she cooked dinners every night. He read love poems out loud to her. She always put love notes in his jacket pocket when he went to work.

    Then one time he forgot the flowers. Beth was crushed. Then she forgot the note. Tony felt unloved. Resentment intruded into perfect love, and their relationship never recovered.

Too Much Commitment Too Soon

    Volunteered, one-sided commitment signals desperation in a relationship. Men will do this, but more often, it's a woman who will take this step out of some mixed-up fear of losing a man if she doesn't, even though he's made no commitment whatsoever. She's ready to forsake all others without even being asked, just to prove her love, hoping this gesture will somehow bond him to her. It doesn't.

Gifts Too Soon

    When you bring the element of money into a relationship, you put pressure on someone. If you're a man, she may misread your intentions and think you see the relationship as transactional, gifts for sex. Or, rather than being bothered by the gifts, she may come to expect an ongoing flow of them from you and be very disappointed if they're not forthcoming.

    One man told me, "The minute a woman starts giving me valuable things, I feel pressured. She looks like a needy woman who's trying to buy love. When a woman gives me something expensive, it makes me feel as if an alien element has come into the relationship -- the element of dollar value as opposed to love and caring. I also feel forced to keep up in some way."

    Also, no man wants to live the rest of his life with a spendthrift. Giving him an expensive gift (even for his birthday or Christmas) will just make him worry about how you'll spend money if the two of you get married.

Too Much Information Too Soon

    One way both men and women often give too much is by telling too much about themselves right away. Who wants to know how your mother or father mistreated you on the first date? (Or on the third or fourth date, for that matter)


How Over-giving Suffocates Love

It's like over-watering a plant. You're not sure how much to water it, and your instincts tell you to nurture it, so you over-water it and kill it. Here's how over-giving can kill a budding relationship:

    * You'll come across as needy and desperate.

    * You probably won't get enough back, so you'll feel cheated.

    * You'll be ignoring your own life to help the object of your affection with theirs.

He or she will take you for granted and expect you to continue to do more and more for him.

The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won't just drop you. At least then you'd be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in "crazy love" relationship.


Self-test: Are You Doing Too Much For Love?

How do you know when you're giving too much too soon?

    You call them more than they call you.

    You make all the plans, pay most of the time, or buy all the presents.

    You are always doing something for them, and you feel cheated and angry because the giving is not reciprocated.

    You sense they're beginning to take you for granted.

    You feel desperate for their love and are worried about losing them.

Over-giving has already gotten to the "crazy love" stage if:

    Your only happiness seems to be making them happy.

    You pour yourself into helping them succeed, even to the point of ignoring your own life.

    They're beginning to pull away, and you keep doing more and more to get them to stay.

    Your friends say you've changed and they never see you any more.


First Aid For Overgivers

If you've just slipped and said, "I love you" too soon, or you're a guy who's given a gift too soon, or a woman who's blurted out, "When are you going to call again?" by mistake, the relationship can be re-balanced with a little mid-course correction.

Again, think of the over-watered plant. All you can do is hold off on watering and hope. If you've started to smother the relationship, all you can do is step back and let it breathe.

Don't call. If you can, take a trip and send him or her just ONE postcard. If you can't leave, just throw yourself into your work for a couple of weeks. It won't hurt.

Give the relationship some space, allow some time to go by, and -- above all -- act happy. (See the bottom of "When He/She's Left You -- Coping" in the "Letting Go" Section of the Library for the secret of acting happy when you're actually miserable from missing your lover.) And be sure to read "How Much To Give and When."

Why People Love

As you've probably found in your own life, being "in love" doesn't necessarily mean you've found true, long-lasting love. Ideally, falling in love leads to long-lasting love, but most often that doesn't happen. Let's look at what's involved with being "in love" first, and then I'll come back to "True Love" below.  Falling In Love  Recent studies on love have come up with a revealing insight into the "in love" feeling. The studies found that:      In order to be in love, a person has to have their love returned somewhat, but not altogether, while having reason to hope that their love will be returned totally at some time in the future.  This discovery explains some of the most ancient and perplexing riddles of romantic relationships, such as why "playing hard to get" works, why "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and why being in love is different than long- lasting love.  It explains why men and women who treat the opposite sex with indifference are so popular. Why the person you don't really care that much about is the one who's mad for you, and the one you're dying for is not.  If you're indifferent to someone, you give them little dribs and drabs of attention out of boredom or pity, right? Now we know that's precisely the formula for keeping someone in love with you. Of course, acting indifferent is easy when you don't care. The hard part is acting indifferent when you do care a lot.  The new research findings help explain another key element of the "in love" feeling. We've known for a long time that fantasy is one of the most important ingredients of love. A person in love has what pyschologists call "aggrandizing" fantasies about the one they love.  Ask anyone who's in love to tell you about their beloved, and you'll hear about someone too wonderful to be true. You smile, reminded of the old expression, "love is blind." The old expression is true because everyone in love has a fantasized image of the person they love.  Lovers since love began have been portrayed as pining away somewhere plucking the petals from flowers and daydreaming about their love object. That classic portrayal meshes perfectly with the new research findings: if you want to be the love object, you have to give your lover time to think about you, to fantasize about you -- without you being there. If you're in their face constantly, they have no opportunity to develop an "aggrandized" image of you.  Some of my best relationships with desirable, sought-after men bloomed when I had to go away for a while or the man had to go somewhere soon after we met. The reason, of course, was that the separation gave us time to fantasize about each other.  Two months after I started dating my husband regularly, I went to Romania as a guest of the Romanian government to research youth treatments. He was left to worry about what I was doing gallivanting behind the Iron Curtain. Actually, my trip was sexless, but he imagined me cavorting with some Romanian Lothario the whole time I was gone.  He had plenty of time to miss me and fantasize about me. He even got a chance to overdose on other ladies. Since I wasn't around, I always came out more favorably than the competition. He had only the fantasy me to compare with the real them. Being unavailable actually helped make me seem more interesting and desirable.  Separation almost always makes the heart grow fonder, and this works later on in your relationship as well as in the beginning. Always plan some time apart. It's good to give your loved one a chance to miss you once in awhile.  If you've read "Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?" and wondered why I made such a big point of not over-giving, perhaps some lightbulbs will be coming on right about now. I'll say it again: Giving Too Much Too Soon is the biggest mistake made by both men and women in the early stages of their relationships. And learning to pace your giving -- your availability, the "I love you's," the gifts -- is the hardest thing to learn.  Perhaps now, though, knowing why indifference works and "absence makes the heart grow fonder," you'll be more motivated to follow my advice about not giving too much too soon. If you're at the beginning of a relationship and haven't read the "Giving" articles, please do so; and in the meantime, promise me that:      You won't call him or her on the phone every single night just to chat. Skip a night or two. Call intermittently.      Don't send her every cute card you find.      Don't bake his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies for him on every visit.  Keep reminding yourself of the old adage, "Play hard to get." Only instead of playing hard to get, be hard to get!  The next time he asks you out, tell him you'd love to see him but you already have plans. If you've been asking her out three nights a week, cut it back to just one night for a week or so. That's exactly what you'd be doing if you were popular and busy. And that's just what he or she wants -- not someone easy to get that no one else wants.  Or, if someone is acting indifferent toward you, curb your natural inclination to try harder to please them. You know now that the way to make them stop acting indifferent is to act even more indifferent than they are.  If making someone fall in love with you isn't enough reason to "play hard to get," there are other reasons you shouldn't fall in love too quickly. One is because you need time to get to know someone before you fall in love. Falling in lust is understandable, but don't let your love be so blind that you ignore the checklists in "Qualifying Someone". Another reason to pace yourself is to let a little true love develop along with the lust and the "in love" feelings.  True Love  True, long-lasting love is built on trust, communication, and shared experiences. People who are deeply in love seem to somehow identify with the inner core of their mate -- they're "on the same wavelength." Even if it's been 50 years since they had the first "in love" feelings, they still look and act in tune. They sit alike, talk alike, finish each other's sentences.  It's like they're linked with a special, deep form of communication. If you've ever been deeply and mutually in love with someone, you've probably experienced this. It's a magical feeling, and it's wonderful when it happens as if by magic. But you don't have to wait passively, hoping that the magic happens. If you have someone who meets your Criteria and passes the checklists in "Qualifying Someone", you can do more than you might think to create this magic in your relationship.  Read "The Amazing Power of Mirroring", where you'll find the secrets of creating rapport with someone and building their trust in you. Then go on to "Inner Languages", where you'll find how you can deepen your relationship with him or her and start to develop the special, deep form of communication that's the basis of True Love. And don't miss "Love-Building Strategies", which describes techniques for strengthening the bond of your relationship.  You can search this blog for other great advice.

How to Spot a Liar

Keeping the following points in mind when you're talking to someone who you think might be stretching the truth.

1) Too much or too little eye contact. Liars tend to avoid looking people in the eye, but if they are staring you down, they may be working hard at lying.

2) Over-emphasizes details. When people are trying to avoid telling the truth, they often pick some obscure point and talk about it a lot instead of focusing on the key issue.

3) Fidgeting. Is the person you're talking to very fidgety? You often see kids do this when they're telling a tale. That's a sign that someone may be lying.

4) Touching nose. Research shows that when people lie, they tend to touch the base of their nose a lot. "That's a dead giveaway," 

5) Mouth pursed. When people tell a lie, they can't get enough oxygen, so they tend to breathe through their mouth instead of through their nose.

6) Speech hesitations. Pausing, throat clearing, or other stalling techniques may indicate that a person is embellishing the truth.

7) Looking up or down. They may be stalling for time.

8) Answers questions not asked. Without even asking them a question, liars will defend themselves.

9) Other body language to check for to spot a potential liar include: excessive blinking, dilated pupils, pitch changes, less smiling, and shrugging shoulders.

If You Were Abused

The emotional wounds caused by parental abuse can last long beyond childhood. If you want to rebuild a relationship with your parent now that you are both adults, here are some valuable advice.

Be heard
You won't be able to repair the relationship until your parent fully understands how the abuse has affected you. He or she may feel guilty, but you're the one who needs to be helped.

Redefine the relationship
It's up to you to express yourself. Tell your parent what you need now that you're not getting. Be honest and clear; this is your chance to say exactly what you need emotionally.

Nothing can change the past, but you can create a new history with your parent. Treat each other as the people you are now.

Do what is best for you
Consider the possibility that it may not be healthy to have any sort of relationship with your parent. It's a difficult pill to swallow, and it should be used as the last option. However, it may be the option that helps you the most.

Are You In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship????? Then Read This!

Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.

Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:

• Using economic power to control you
  
  
• Threatening to leave
  
  
• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
  
  
• Smashing things
  
  
• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
  
  
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
  
  
• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
  
  
• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
  
  
• Humiliating you in private or public
  
  
• Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment
  

Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

• A distrust of her spontaneity
• A loss of enthusiasm
• An uncertainty about how she is coming across
• A concern that something is wrong with her
• An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
• A loss of self-confidence
• A growing self-doubt
• An internalized critical voice
• A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be
• An anxiety or fear of being crazy
• A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something
• A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. “too sensitive,” etc.
• A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
• A reluctance to come to conclusions
• A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “Everything will be great when/after …”
• A desire to escape or run away
• A distrust of future relationships
  
  

Are You a Sex Addict?

Sexual addiction comes in many different forms. The range of behaviors can include masturbation, pornography, prostitution, and/or sexual exploitation of others. Here are some suggestions you ask yourself the following questions to gauge if you have a sexual addiction:

• Do your thoughts about sex interfere with your family relationships? Do they cause disruption in communication? Do you hide them?
• Do thoughts of sex interfere with your social life? Do they cause issues in how you relate to friends?
• Do thoughts or images of sex cause disruptions in your work life, such as distractions, loss of concentration, or even supervisory or peer relations (often related to sexual harassment)?
• Do you hide or lie about your activities relating to sex (porn, prostitution, promiscuity, etc)?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, it may denote a sexual addiction.

The results of this quiz cannot substitute for a full evaluation by a healthcare professional, and should only be used as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and its potential health issues.

Dating a Married Man

Are you the "other woman?" If you're involved with a married man, and you're waiting for your turn, it's time to re-evaluate your situation. Here are some valuable advice

It's time to move forward.
If you're putting your life on hold for a married man, he's stolen not only your heart — he's stolen your brain!

No matter how you justify it, you are attacking his family unit.
Even if he is separated from his wife, that is their business and you are a threat to their marriage. You aren't welcome and you don't belong.

You may feel that he's your soul mate, but think again.
A real soul mate would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it.

Keep in mind that you only know what he tells you.
You already know that he's a liar because he's living a lie with his wife and children. How can you be sure whether you're the only "other woman" he has? Entertain the possibility that he is lying to you, and you are being used.

Think of his wife.
Is it fair to her? She's been married to him for however many years, cleaned up after him when he's sick, raised children with him, sacrificed with him, dealt with the "damn dailies," then you come in at the 11th hour and provide a contrast to that that's new and exciting and fun. You are intruding upon her turf. You are a trespasser. It is no different than being a thief in the night. It is no different than breaking into their house and stealing their things.

Even if your married man decided to leave his wife and family for you, that doesn't guarantee success.
Relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. If he's living this deception with you today, how could you ever trust him if you did get into a legitimate relationship with him?

Break off this relationship today.
You'll hurt, you'll feel broken-hearted, but you'll be better off. Take some time to get really clear with yourself about who you are and what you want. The most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself. And eventually, you'll fall in love again — with someone who's willing to make you first in his life.

Tips to Keep You Away From a Con Man

Con artists charm their way into a woman's heart, lie to her, and too often, take her for all she's worth.

Signs You're Involved with a Con Artist:

• Pressure to get married.
  Marriage is far too important in life to be rushed. Be wary of a wedding or proposal out of the blue. If a man makes you believe your marrying him is a matter of life or death — he's up to something.
• Vague answers to questions about his past.
  Always ask questions about your mate's background or past. If he refuses to answer these questions, be suspicious. If he does answer the questions, and you wonder if he is telling you the truth, look up the information he gives you on the Internet.
• Questionable financial worth.
  If a man brags about how much he is worth or claims to be broke because he is paying child support, that can be checked out also. Have him show you income tax records for several years before you merge finances. Always get proof if you aren't sure. Also, be aware if he is always asking to borrow money.
• Lies about his age.
  A man lying about his age is cause for concern. He may try to change the date because the real date of his birth is on a warrant for his arrest somewhere. If he claims that there was a mistake on his birth certificate, or his job made a mistake, he is lying. It's illegal to change your birth date.
• Multiple social security numbers.
  Having more than one social security number is illegal. If a man has more than one, he is using it to scam money or avoid the criminal justice system.  If he claims to be a victim of identity theft, have him show you documentation.
  

What You Have and Do That Makes You Vulnerable to a Con:

• You have something worth getting.
  These types of men are looking for a woman with something they can take. You don't have to be wealthy or be an heiress to a huge fortune. If you have a job and a little bit of room on your credit card, this may attract him.
• Gullibility.
  You have a willingness to believe anything the con artist is telling you. You may think you're a good judge of character, but these guys are really slick. They start learning how to lie at age 3.
• Believing the grand gesture.
  Willingness to interpret questionable behavior as love. For example, a man goes to a woman's house when she is not there, gets her stuff and puts it in his place. This is not the loving gesture it might appear to be. For one thing, it's theft. Secondly, it is meant to control her and get her in his world as soon as possible. Also, be wary if he proposes quickly in the relationship.
• Testing boundaries with money.
  Usually, this occurs early in the relationship. For example, he may ask you out to dinner and when the check comes say, "Oh, honey, I left my wallet in the car." Your response should be, "Oh, honey, I left mine at home."
  

A Marriage Covenant

If you and your partner have worked through Dr. Phil's exercises in Relationship Rescue, it's time to form a jointly drafted mission statement for your relationship. The marriage covenant will be all about defining your relationship in terms of your hopes, dreams and commitments. It can become like the North Star — a reference point upon which you can constantly focus to keep your relationship on track.

This affirmation should be a product of your combined thinking. It should be unique to you and your partner. It may also be dynamic in that it can change as your relationship changes. But the core of it should always be your defining philosophy about what you want, need and expect. Make sure your marriage covenant is displayed prominently in your home so that you can be constantly reminded of its contents.

Here are a few examples of what some couples have shared as part of their marriage covenants:

"We resolve to live the relationship credo and treat each other with dignity and respect. We commit to the friendship upon which our love is based and to live with acceptance rather than criticism of each other. We resolve to never again fight in front of our children and to never again put our relationship on the line because of some argument. We will be imperfect, but with God's help and a committed love, we will prevail."

"We declare to love, honor, respect and appreciate each other every day. We will listen to each other and understand the other's point of view before we say anything. We will put our family first before any outside influences. We will support each other in a definitive manner. We will look to our own contribution in a difficult situation rather then cast judgment on each other. We will speak with integrity and live with dignity. We will not make assumptions. If we do not understand something, we will ask. We pledge to be honest with each other and remain emotionally available for one another. Our home will be a happy and safe place that our son will be proud to grow up in. We agree to greet each other with a smile on our face and in our hearts. And we will laugh together."

Divorce Survival Tips

Experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you’re getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets — you’re not as powerless as you may feel.

• Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
• Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
• Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse’s social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
• Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
• Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
• Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
• Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don’t co-sign for your spouse.
• Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
• Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
• Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won’t beat you to it.
• Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it’s discretionary, and it won’t last forever.
• Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It’s better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
• Don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It’s bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
• Don’t alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it’s bad for the children.
• Child support is mandated by law — don’t worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
• Document any type of abuse.
• Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won’t talk to your spouse.
• Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn’t make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.

Dos and Dont's of Online Dating

These days, going online is as common a way to meet someone as a blind date or the bar scene, and you can connect to people of all ages, religions, professions and backgrounds from all over the globe. Online dating can be a great tool for broadening your options as long as you are smart, are cautious and take some very important safety steps.

Creating Your Online Dating Profile

Questions to ask yourself before you write your profile:

• What is special, unique, distinctive, or impressive about you or your life story?
• What details of your life, personal or family challenges, history, people or events have shaped you or influenced your life goals?
• What have you learned about past relationships, in terms of yourself?
• What are your relationship goals?
• Have you had to overcome any unusual obstacles or hardships (for example, economic, familial or physical) in your life?
• What personal characteristics (for example, integrity, compassion, persistence) do you possess, and how can you demonstrate that you have these characteristics?
• Why might you be a stronger candidate than others?
• What is the single most compelling reason you can give a person to be interested in you?

Jim Safka, CEO of Match.com offers these tips:

• Do include a photo. People who've uploaded a photo get 15 times more attention than people who don't have a photo.
• Make sure you smile in your photos. That sexy face you're making? It may come across to some people like your scary face.
• Don't hide your face behind a pair of sunglasses or a hat. Potential love interests will want to be able to see your beautiful face.
• Don't show too much skin. Nobody wants to see you pose seductively in your kitchen in your tighty whities.
• Do make your headline a grabber. Think of all the great advertising slogans you've ever heard. They're imprinted in people's minds. You want to do the same thing with your profile.
• Consult your friends and family for help in writing your online profile. There are things that they love about you that you might not otherwise think about for yourself.
• Don't use clichés. You may love long walks on the beach, but who doesn't? Say something interesting about yourself that is unique to you.
• Don't forget to run spell-check. If you have misspelled words in your profile, it tells the world that you just don't care about what you're doing.
• Do respond to every e-mail that you get. If you were walking down the street and someone said hello, you'd probably say hello back. It's the same protocol online. Respond, even if the answer is a simple, "No, thanks."
• Keep it light. Your first e-mail should not be a rant about how expensive gas prices are. Keep it lighthearted in tone and keep it simple.
• Don't reveal confidential information in your e-mail exchanges. If you were at a local coffee house, you wouldn't give out your home address to just anyone standing in line.
• Don't meet in person until you've actually talked on the phone. You know voice and sound are great way to judge chemistry.

Cyber Safety

• Verify information on a potential match as thoroughly as possible.
• Always create a separate e-mail account for your online dating activity.
• Get a post office box, rather than using your home address, to register for the dating site. (Do this for all sites where an address is required.)
• List your cell phone number, not your home number, if the site requires one.
• Change your cell phone billing address so it goes to your post office box. That way, if some nut has access to a backward phone book (one with phone numbers in numerical order and their corresponding addresses) he can't look up your address.
• When chatting or e-mailing, never give more than a first name, and keep it that way until the first date.
• Install a privacy checker on your computer. This lets you set privacy standards and be alerted when a dating site doesn't meet them. These checkers are often free and can be downloaded online.

Who Dates Online?

You may think that men are commitment-phobic, but based on the research, that simply isn't true.

A recent survey of single men dating online found that:

• 98 percent of men are looking for a long-term relationship 
  
• 94 percent of men say they're ready to balance both a serious relationship and a career
• 87 percent think it's sexy to date a woman who earns more than they do
• 79 percent of men have contributed to a charity in the past year; one in three currently volunteers in his community
• 75 percent of men say their ideal woman would be their best friend; kindness was rated the most important attribute in a potential partner
• 58 percent of men have been cheated on
• 57 percent of men say they believe in love at first sight
• 56 percent say a girl who sleeps with them on the first date is great, but not the marrying kind

Life Strategies - Ten Life Laws

Life Law #1: You either get it or you don't.
Strategy: Become one of those who gets it.

It's easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are stumbling along looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break.

You must do what it takes to accumulate enough knowledge to "get it." You need to operate with the information and skills that are necessary to win. Be prepared, tune in, find out how the game is played and play by the rules.

In designing a strategy and getting the information you need — about yourself, people you encounter, or situations — be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin.

Life Law #2: You create your own experience.
Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law #3: People do what works.
Strategy: Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

Be alert to the possibility that your behavior is controlled by fear of rejection. It's easier not to change. Try something new or put yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

Life Law #4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
Strategy: Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results.

If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness.

Where are you now? If you hope to have a winning life strategy, you have to be honest about where your life is right now. Your life is not too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it. But be honest about what needs fixing. If you lie to yourself about any dimension of your life, an otherwise sound strategy will be compromised.

Life Law #5: Life rewards action.
Strategy: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions.

Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.

Life Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.
Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life, and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event.

We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, so you can compensate for them and react against them. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. They are dangerous because if you treat them as fact, you will not seek, receive or process new information, which undermines your plans for change. If you "shake up" your belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, the freshness of your perspective can be startling.

Life Law #7: Life is managed; it is not cured.
Strategy: Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. This is a long ride, and you are the driver every single day.

You are a life manager, and your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction and urgency you can muster.

The key to managing your life is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan, and the courage, commitment and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. You can also help yourself as a life manager if you manage your expectations. If you don't require much of yourself, your life will be of poor quality. If you have unrealistic standards, then you are adding to your difficulties.

Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Life Law #9: There is power in forgiveness.
Strategy: Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you.

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Life Law #10: You have to name it before you can claim it.
Strategy: Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

Not knowing what you want — from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires — is not OK. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it. You also won't even know if you get there!

By being specific in defining your goal, the choices you make along the way will be more goal-directed. You will recognize which behaviors and choices support your goals — and which do not. You will know when you are heading toward your goal, and when you are off track.

Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember that if you don't, someone else will.

Troubled Sex Life

If sex is declining in your relationship, here are some valuable advice:

- Sex is not the foundation of a healthy relationship; it is a natural extension of a relationship in which giving and receiving mutual support and comfort are common. If you want a good sexual relationship, it needs to be embedded in a good overall relationship.

- Sex involves vulnerability. It is an act that can flow freely only with mental, emotional and physical trust. If you are having sexual frustrations, examine the relationship at large. Are you creating an environment of giving, receiving, trust and relaxation?

- Sex should not be forced. It should be just one more way of expressing mutuality, support and caring. It can then be the springboard for more thoughts and appreciative behaviors that will bridge into the next, seemingly spontaneous, sexual interaction.

- It is illogical for you to ignore your partner in the morning, bark at him/her during the day, argue in the evening, and then fall into his/her arms for a fanciful sexual adventure at night. Insensitivity, inattention and hostility make sexual intimacy unnatural. If you want a rhythmic pattern of sexual intimacy, then create a relational pattern that reflects the same intimate emotions.

- If everything with your partner seems to be flowing consistently, problems with sexual relations may persist for different reasons. There are times when one or both partners become distracted and allow sexual interaction to slide down the priority scale. These couples have allowed a number of competing activities and circumstances to rob them of this very special, intimate exchange. You must consciously commit to putting sex back in your life.

- When everything else is in place in a relationship, the sexual interaction is still crucial. The intimacy that comes from sexual interaction takes the relationship to a completely different level.

Words of Wisdom For Newlyweds

Ask only what you're willing to give.
If I ask that he give me and treat me with dignity and respect, then I have to treat him with dignity and respect.

Embrace who your spouse is.
Support what is important to him/her. When we first married, I said, "If we're going to do this, and we're going to have fun, you need to lighten up. You are so serious." And I was a big pouter, and the first few times I tried that he said, "If you won't pout, I promise I will discuss anything you want to discuss and we will come to a decision immediately."

Talk about your needs.
It would really hurt my feelings if he would walk in the door and not come find me and say, "Hello, I'm home." And so we started what we call the four-minute rule, and the minute he walks in the door, he comes to wherever I am, and says hello, and we visit for at least the first four minutes. That sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

Contribute to your marriage daily.
When we were students in college, I would sit at the end of the apartments on the stairs and I always had a glass of iced tea waiting for him. And to this day, as soon as he walks in the door, the first thing I do is hand him a glass of iced tea.

Commit to your marriage.
What's important to a marriage is that the commitment you make to each other is something you work on every day for the rest of your life. When a couple gets married sometimes they think, "Is this the one thing that's going to make him leave?" Phillip and I both agreed our first year of marriage that nothing will ever make us leave. This is forever. Divorce is never going to be an option. And that made a huge difference in our marriage.

Surviving Infidelity: Advice on How to Survive Infidelity

Are you or do you know someone who is an infidelity survivor? If so, read our advice on how to best survive infidelity.

Surviving Infidelity: Advice on How to Survive InfidelityLife certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the enormous task of healing from infidelity. Many marriage therapists have well confirmed that the clients who visit them have confessed that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter the general trust, many people seriously contemplate ending their marriages. However, it is important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it is possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It is not so easy: there are no quick fix, one-size-fits-all solutions. But years of experience has taught that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.Surviving infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses should be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his/her spouse. The betrayed spouse should be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can start to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are similar, it is helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.In a poll of over 136,000 women conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, over 55% of women caught their man cheating red handed and 36% suspected him or cheating but never caught him. If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will certainly feel a whole range of emotions: shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty in sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are a touching person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or on the contrary, feel at your worst when you are. Although you may be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Surviving from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill quickly. It is easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Although some people are more curious than others, it is very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, simply knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you may feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to display sincere regret and remorse. You cannot apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit this again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you may think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they are not. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your promise to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly significant during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is often the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right and still, the marriage will not mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself.

5 THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO IF HE'S CHEATING ON YOU

This may be the most important article you'll read about dealing with your husband's affair. There's plenty of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn't do. Your husband is cheating. You're not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let's focus first on what you SHOULDN'T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive. This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let's look at 5 key things you SHOULDN'T do and examine the reasons why.

1. Don't put him out or leave him - yet. Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it's the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what's going on. It'll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you'll be hard-pressed to know what he's doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you're still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There's a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband's activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he's still there, you have a chance to work things out.

2. Don't tell the whole world about his infidelity. It's natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband's affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the "other woman." Make sure you're confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband's affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they're in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband's friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren't the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they've been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband's affair.

3. Don't ignore his affair or pretend it's not happening. Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it's not happening will make him think he's getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.

4. Don't confront him without the 3 P's - Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose. Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he's cheating. Cheaters will lie. Present the evidence you've gathered that proves he's having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it's been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you'll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. Do not confront yur husband without proof of his infidelity. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he's been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there's a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.

5. Don't waste your time and energy on the other woman. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It's natural for you to be curious about her, but she's not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don't obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She's not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You'll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track. Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband's affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you're going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.