Is Communicating After Trust Has Been Broken possible?"

How do you keep the lines of communication open when something has happened to destroy trust in a marriage or relationship?

The simple answer is that it's pretty hard to do!

If you're human and you've been lied to or
cheated on--your tendency is to probably
shut yourself off from that person so you
won't risk getting hurt again.

It's really clear that couples who are coping with lying and mistrust in their relationship have trouble talking to one another.

(No shock there!)

They close the lines of communication with each other, even though they may not want to or think they're doing it--and it ends up making the problem even worse.

If we could paraphrase your question, it might go something like this...

"How do you stay friends and open to each
other, even when you talk about IT?"

(IT being what happened to cause the
resentment and mistrust in the first place, as
well as what still may be going on that damages your relationship)

Not easy and we can see why it is your biggest frustration.

It's never easy to talk about the uncomfortable stuff, even in a healthy relationship but have a major trust issue happen, it seems like the two people would have to be super-human to listen and talk to one another in a peaceful way.

We didn't say impossible--but we have to say
that it can be very difficult!

Here are some ideas...

1. Discover the truth of what's really going on right now in your relationship.

Obviously, if cheating and lying are still going on, there's no way for both of you to come to the table and talk (even about ordinary things) without a question mark being put in front of everything that's said.

2. Make sure that your commitment to each
other is clear.

If your commitment to each other is clear
(ie..."We're both committed to making this
relationship better and will do what it takes
to move in that direction") and you are
specific about what that means and actually
begin to SEE results that support that
commitment--

You'll be able to gradually start opening to
each other again--and that means talking
honestly to each other.

But in order for this to happen, you have to see results that show that both people are making an effort to move in that direction.

We say "both" people because it won't do any good if the recovering liar or cheater is making positive steps toward making your relationship better and you can't let go of what happened in the past--no matter what he or she does.

"Peaceful" communication comes when both people are honest and trust one another.

They let their defenses down and they really say what's on their minds in a way that can be heard by the other person.

3. Be honest with yourself. Look at your
situation with honest eyes and don't kid
yourself about what's really happening.

Not to be a downer but if there's one thing we learned from reading a lot of stories about lying and cheating, it's this...

People (men and women) stayed in
relationships a long time, hoping that they would get better but without seeing any results that they really were getting better.

While we are certainly proponents of staying in your relationship, seeing what you both want and if you both want to make it work--

We are also proponents of moving on when you are in a relationship that is harmful to you and filled with lies and deceit.

Good communication is the exchange of information or opinions, a sharing of
something with others.

If trust is an issue, the act of sharing freely and openly can't happen.

It might sound like the old "chicken and the egg" question...

How can you ever trust again if you can't communicate and how can you communicate if you can't trust?

We say that you can--a little at a time--with both people honestly taking one step and then another toward it.

Three Ways to Get to the 'Truth' in Your Relationship or Marriage

If you're in a relationship or marriage...

No matter what's going on in that relationship (good or bad)

You just want to be told the truth.

After all...

Everybody deserves to be told the truth, right?

If there's one thing we've heard over and over from our Breakthrough Relationship Coaching clients and others who write to us, it's this...

"I just want the truth. I want honesty. It's bad enough when they do things that are
inappropriate but...I get more upset when he
(or she) lies to me."

As we've been delving into why people tell lies and steps to be taken to find out the truth, we've discovered a few things...

1. Everybody's "truth" can be different for each of us.

Remember Bill Clinton's statement...

"I have never had sexual relations with
Monica Lewinsky."

In his mind, he did not categorize what Ms.
Lewinsky did to or with him as a sexual act--although most other people did!

Since we all have different value systems and
different ways of looking at the world, two people can have totally different understandings about what certain acts mean.

Does that excuse bad behavior?

Of course not.

It just means that the two people have to be
very clear about their values and what they each are agreeing to in that relationship.

2. Telling the "truth" completely depends on the person's ability to KNOW what his or her truth is.

Now there are certainly "yes" or "no" answers
that don't require any sort of looking inside
oneself such as this question...

"Did you work late on Tuesday night?"

But to get to the "truth," there are other questions that require some ability to go within--to honestly check one's thoughts and feelings, such as this...

"How do you feel about me and our relationship?"

Some people don't allow themselves to go that deeply into themselves to honestly answer a question like that--or they don't know how to get there.

3. Telling "the" truth depends on how safe it is to tell the truth.

A person can perceive that it's not "safe" to
share his or her truth because it wasn't done
in the family of origin, past relationships or
even in this relationship--

Either "bad" things happened if he or she told
what was genuinely wanted or was feeling

or

There was a reward for lying--saying or doing
what others wanted him or her to say and do.

There was more incentive (life was easier, more comfortable or less pain) when he or she said or did what someone else wanted rather than following what was true for him or her.

So if you're with a person who seems to hide
the truth, it is extremely frustrating and upsetting--no matter why your partner does it!

With all of this in mind, if you find that you are in a situation where you think you are being lied to--here are some ways you can get at the truth...

1. Search inside you to discover whether you
are prepared to handle the truth or not.

Sometimes you don't want the truth because
it may mean that your life will be completely
turned upside-down.

Susie remembers that it took her quite awhile to be able to face the "truth" of what was happening in her pervious marriage of 30 years--and actually agree to take steps to
deal with it.

So we know it isn't always easy to look at the
truth and then do something about it.

Asking yourself --and being honest with
yourself--if you are prepared to know the truth is a place to start.

2. Know what you will and will not stand for --and how you want to be treated.

This takes taking a good look inside you and recognizing that you do deserve respect and love--and what that means.

It means coming awake to what your situation is showing you--and taking a step toward what you want.

3. Open yourself to listening (without
interrupting and emotional outbursts) to your partner's truth--big and small.

As hard as it is to hear, the fact is that we
"train" the people in our lives how they will
treat us.

And whether to tell you the truth or not can
fall into this category.

Are we blaming you if you are with someone
who is lying to you?

Of course not.

As we said above--there are many reasons
why someone lies and they may have
nothing to do with you.

But what you can do is this...

Instead of reacting, just listen.

And start small.

In order to do this, you have to learn ways to calm yourself so that your emotions and
thoughts don't rule your actions.
If you practice it, it will help you to calm yourself down so you can listen to your partner.

Calming yourself down doesn't mean that you give up yourself and you don't have choice.

It just means that your mind isn't muddled and you can be authentic and honest in your response rather than reactive.

As we said--start small.

Look at when you might react negatively and how you might deal with a situation differently.


I invite you to take some healthy steps toward it

How to revive your sex drive

Losing your sex drive can feel very depressing and cause lots of problems in any relationship.

if one of those is your problem - but just losing all desire to have sex, even though you have a reasonable relationship and willing partner.

I will give you some practical tips on reviving sex drive in a minute, but first you have to be sure that the real problem isn't that there is a whole lot of unresolved feeling between you both generally.

Good sex cannot be divorced from our feelings. If you have rocks just below the surface in your relationship, you will crash on them unless you make a determined effort to dismantle them.

Don't get sucked into blaming one another. It doesn't matter whose fault it was - that's in the past. Look to the future and see if you can agree together changes you'd both like to make and agree ways to reach your goals. If you get stuck, then arrange to see a counsellor

The feeling of positive energy and force for change may well give a whole boost of its own to your love life. You can help this along by making a special effort to show each other love and appreciation, and by telling each other "I love you" regularly.

Even if it at first it feels like an effort, it's surprising how often, if you treat someone as if you really appreciate them, then you start to do so - and they feel much more appreciative of you. Those warm feelings make it far easier to get the ball rolling again sexually.

If you find it hard to rediscover physical intimacy, learn massage. To be touched caringly is one of our most basic human needs - as crucial as food and drink - but all too often touching gets cut down to a minimum, even by couples having sex, let alone those whose love life has died away.

Sharing caring, all-over body massage brings great physical pleasure and relaxation to both the giver and the receiver of the massage. It soothes away the cares of the day, which have probably also played a part in wearing down your sex drive, and gets the hormones whizzing round the bloodstream again.

You don't always want to go on to have sex straight afterwards but when you do make love it will enhance the quality of your physical relationship, make it something special just you two share.

Sensate focus exercises are special techniques devised by sex therapists to help resolve a whole range of sexual problems including loss of sex drive, and you can try these for yourself at home now.

They are rather like a course of petting or foreplay specially designed to relieve anxiety and inhibitions, and to help couples communicate more effectively about sex.

Stage One: Each of you separately sets aside some time during which you will not be disturbed. Either in a warm bath, using soap or oil, or in a warm bed using lotion to make your hands glide smoothly, massage your body all over.

Starting with the non-sexual areas, explore every inch, discovering what feels particularly and perhaps surprisingly good to you. If you can and want to, masturbate to orgasm. (There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a positive help in treating many sexual difficulties.)

Stage Two: In a warm bedroom - with soft lights if possible (but certainly not no lights) a drink to relax you (but only one or two), low music, whatever you like - take it in turns to massage one another all over.

Again, start with the non-sexual areas, explore all the body. Experiment with light and firm strokes. Try licking and tasting one another all over.

If you feel yourself getting tense or anxious, tell your partner how you are feeling. Try to learn to lie back and let your partner please you. Tell one another what would feel good next.

Stage Three: Just like Stage Two, but now you also move on to the sexual areas. If you both say what you would like, what gives you pleasure, you may both become aroused and can bring each other to climax, as long as that's what you both feel ready for. (In case you're unsure, most women find the area around the clitoris - the little peak of tissue in front of the vagina - most sensitive to stimulation.)

Only after giving one another a lot of pleasure for some days or weeks with Stage Three should a couple think of moving on and having intercourse. Remember you're trying to revive sex drive. A bit of frustration can help build up a head of steam.

And it really can help love-making stay exciting and pleasurable to remember that it doesn't always - or ever - have to end in intercourse. Couples can give each other tremendous satisfaction with other caresses of fingers or tongues if they want to.

Such variety can stop sex seeming predictable, and stop you feeling pressured by the expectation that every time you start showing physical affection it must end with intercourse.

Only a minority of women do usually reach orgasm during intercourse - most of those who climax do so as a result of other
stimulation. For them intercourse should naturally be just a part of sexplay, not the be-all and end-all.

Some women and a few men never climax at all, but still enjoy making love. All that ever matters is that each partner enjoys the shared physical experience without feeling pressured to fit in with some norm of what is thought to be successful sex.

Sensate focus exercises also help us give making love greater priority in our life. It's amazing how many couples would say that making love is or should be one of the most important parts of their relationships, yet actually devote just 20 minutes at the end of the occasional busy day.

Set aside the time to make love properly while you have energy to share and enjoyment to bring. You should practise these

Sensate Focus exercises at least three times a week for an hour.

Why an extra marital affair could be the key to a healthy marriage

You would expect a leading female psychologist to advise women against cheating husbands.

But best-selling French author Maryse Vaillant says that on the contrary adultery is the sign of a healthy marriage.

In a new book she aims to 'rehabilitate infidelity' and has caused a storm by saying French men should not be punished for keeping mistresses and women may find infidelity 'liberating'.

According to figures in her book 'Men, Love, Fidelity'  four in ten French men cheat on their wives and therefore she claims infidelity is 'unavoidable'.

She writes: 'Most don't do it [cheat] because they no longer love their wives. On the contrary they simply need breathing space.

'For such men, who are in fact profoundly monogamous, infidelity is almost unavoidable.'

Miss Vaillant claims cheating is down to the 'psychic functioning' of certain men who are still very much in love with their spouse.

And the divorcee who split with her husband 20 years ago after a  'faithful' relationship suggests that men who dot not cheat may lack strength of character.

She says of monogamous husbands: 'These are often men whose father was physically or morally absent. These men have a completely idealised view of their father and the parternal function. They lack suppleness and are prisoners to an idealised image of a man of duty.'

This may be welcome news to many French politicians who have been reported to have indulged in extramarital affairs.

The later President Francois Mitterand had a regular mistress Anne Pingeot with whom he had a love child. While his successor Jacques Chirac recently wrote in a book: 'There have been women I have loved a lot, as discreetly as possible.'

It comes just after Sylvie Brunel, 49 the former wife of a French minister published a bombshell book about his alleged infidelity with a much younger woman.

In her 'Guerilla Handbook for Women', Miss Brunel said her husband Eric Besson, France's minister for Immigration and National Identity said her husband had 'interchangeable mistresses' throughout their 30-year marriage.

How most women love their mobile phones... more than their boyfriends

Women treasure their mobile phones more than their boyfriends, research revealed today.

The poll of 4,000 women showed that four in 10 said they would be 'devastated' if they lost their phones, while a third admitted they could happily live without a man in their lives.

Mothers came top in the list of women's most treasured possessions, followed by photographs and best friends.

The study, by online pawnbroker Borro.com, saw boyfriends come fifth in the list, placing above diamond rings, pets, laptops and hair straighteners.

One in five would consider pawning their valuable items to raise much needed cash, and the majority would even dump their boyfriend or husband in exchange for £700,000.

 Borro.com CEO Paul Aitken said: 'The list certainly threw up some surprises with boyfriends featuring below photos and mobile phones.

'It's understandable why mums come out top though - they are there to lend an ear, offer support and a best friend to many girls.

'Photos hold fun and significant memories which could be devastating to lose and a mobile phone keeps women connected and it's always by their side.

The survey found that treasured possessions helped raise a smile at least five times a day for three quarters of those polled.

Other items among the top 20 included a favourite pair of shoes, Vaseline, concealer and mascara.

The research also revealed that the average woman will spend £624 a year on treats - such as lipstick or jewellery - to boost her mood.